Mari pulled out of the Center parking lot and turned right onto Warren Avenue . Her thoughts tumbled over one another as she maneuvered through traffic. Ten years ago, she chose to love a wonderful man who thought of himself as flawed. Although she never once regretted that choice, the dream of a child had refused to die. Even as she prayed for her relationship with Joe to flourish, the prayer for a child of her own often rose to her lips. She refused to let her chaotic thoughts land on the hope she stored deep, trying to avoid the inevitable pain of a childless womb.
As Mari pulled on the freeway ramp, it was impossible to hold back a groan of frustration. Traffic was backed up well beyond the entrance and past where she could see the curve after Mt. Elliott Mt. Elliott
Just over an hour later, after a stop at an out of the way drug store, Mari pulled up in the drive of the red brick colonial she and Joe had moved into after they were married. It was still absurdly hot outside, but the interior of the house was cool and welcoming as Mari let herself in. She dropped her keys and backpack on the foyer table and headed upstairs to the master bedroom. Shedding her work clothes, Mari hastily threw on a pair of shorts and a tank top. She hesitantly pulled the test kit out of the bag and stared at it, then walked into the master bath and sat down on the vanity bench. Mari held the kit gingerly, as if it would bite her. “You can do this,” she said out loud, trying to give herself courage. She stood, opened the box, and with her heart hammering, completed the test. In a matter of minutes the result was in her hand.
Mari slumped down on the side of the tub, mind numb with shock. Held in her hand was a small stick with a thin blue line through the end. The test was positive. Staring at the stick, Mari’s eyes glazed over. She rose on shaky legs and walked into the bedroom, moving to stand in front of the full length mirror. Ten years of prayers, she thought in amazement. Ten years of praying the Lord would grant her a child. Ten years of hiding the yearning from her husband, ten years of fighting against envy and bitterness. Hard as it had been, she thought she had finally come to terms with the fact that she would never have a child of her own. She loved Joe with her whole heart and felt that the Lord had brought them together. Mari would not allow her desire to have children pull them apart. So even though she prayed for a child, she also prayed for the Lord’s will to be done. She had finally come to a point where she felt at peace. Her love for Joe continued to grow, as did her commitment to do the Lord’s will.
Now in her hand she held a small piece of plastic that would change her and Joe’s lives forever. They had been granted a miracle. Mari lifted her eyes from the stick still in her hand and gazed into the mirror, studying her reflection. What she saw was not obviously different than what she usually saw when she looked in the mirror. Still vertically challenged, as her husband liked to tease. Mari stood a petite five foot two with a slim build. Hair the color of dark desert sand hung thick and straight past her shoulders and half way down her back, although today she had opted to pull it up to keep it off her neck. Her eyes were a shade between green and brown, the color often changing to reflect her emotions. Today they were a muddy brown color from inner turmoil.
Looking more intently, she ran her hands down her body and for the first time felt the changes already taking place. A fairly slim woman normally, her waistline was definitely thicker, her stomach slightly rounded. A frown creased her brow. How could I have missed this, she wondered, totally mystified. Turning to her side she noticed the green tank top she wore fit snuggly, giving her a more curvaceous figure, which was certainly not how she used to look and although the shorts were elastic they were undeniably tighter than they had been the last time she had worn them.
The eyes reflected in the mirror held shock mixed with a healthy dose of disbelief. As she continued staring, her lips began to tip at the corners. Moments later a full-fledged grin split her face. She was pregnant! She and Joe were going to have a baby! Suddenly the emotion could no longer be contained. She whooped long and loud and began dancing around the bedroom.
“What’s going on, honey?” An amused voice cut through Mari’s celebration dance. “Can I join in?” Joe Conley stood in the doorway and watched his wife, a cascade of delight welling up in his heart. This wife of his never ceased to amaze or amuse him. He loved Mari so much and was so grateful the Lord had seen fit to bring her into his life. She was incredibly lovely, full of life and energy. Sometimes he was just awed that someone as wonderful as Mari would want to spend her life with a man as dull as him. “Cautious” had always been his middle name until he met her.
Mari slid to an unceremonious halt at the sound of Joe’s amused voice. Her mouth rounded into an O of surprise when she saw his six foot frame filling the doorway. His blonde hair was mussed after a long day of work and travel and he was still in his business suit, computer bag slung over his shoulder, carry-on bag at his feet. She hadn’t realized how late it was. “You’re home!” she cried. “I didn’t even realize the time.”
He moved closer to her, sliding his computer bag to the floor and shedding his jacket as he entered the room. He tossed it over a chair then turned to his wife again. “Don’t worry about it. I was able to catch an earlier flight. Now what has you so excited? Did Greg get his grant refunded?”
Mari glanced down at the stick still grasped in her hand and her smile almost stretched off her face. “We’re going to have a baby!” She rushed over to him grabbing his hands and squeezing. She still had trouble believing it. “I thought I had the flu for the longest time, but I overhead these women talking in the elevator today and it sounded just like how I had been feeling. So I left work early and bought a pregnancy test and it was positive!” Mari took a breath and looked up at Joe. His face was devoid of all expression. “Isn’t that wonderful, honey?”
Joe reeled in shock. He pulled his hands from his wife’s grip and backed away from her.
Mari followed, frowning. “Joe? What’s wrong?”
Silence stretched for a full minute as Joe stopped to stare down into his wife’s face. It radiated with joy and in that moment Joe felt his heart turn to stone. “How could you?”
“How could I what?” Mari’s voice betrayed her confusion. Joe was looking at her in the strangest way. His blues eyes, usually so soft and full of love, were now hard and cold as ice. “If you mean how could I get pregnant, I thought you already knew how that happens.”
“I know how it happens, Mari, but I also know that it could never happen with us.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at her, his posture ramrod straight. His eyes became even colder and his voice rivaled the Michigan
“What?!”
“You heard me! I knew you wanted children Mari, but I didn’t think you’d stoop so low. I thought you loved me.”
“I do love you. I would never cheat on you.”
His gaze bored through her. “Well you obviously did because we both know I can’t father a child.”
Mari looked at him, really looked at him, and realized that he honestly believed she had had an affair. The pain that sliced through her was so great it left her totally speechless.
“I thought as much,” he ground out when there was no immediate denial of his accusation. He whirled around and stormed out of the room.
His action brought Mari out of her shock. Rushing after him, she grabbed his arm. “Where are you going?” she cried.
Joe angrily shook her off. “What do you care? I’m sure you won’t have any trouble finding someone to keep you company. You obviously have done it before.” When he reached the top of the stairs he turned to face her. “I thought our vows meant forever, Mari.” His voice was dead, emotionless.
Mari stared at him through the tears gathering in her eyes. “They do, Joe. I didn’t break them.”
Joe met her gaze and Mari could see the anger, betrayal, and pain in his eyes. Shaking his head in disbelief, he turned on his heel and strode down the stairs without responding. The slam of the front door echoed through the house. He was gone.
Mari spun and ran back into the bedroom, anguished sobs ripping through her. She sank down on the floor, her back leaning against the bed. Head resting on her knees, she sobbed out her misery. She had finally been given the desire of her heart but the cost had been the love of her life. Totally spent both emotionally and physically, Mari curled into a protective ball on the lush carpet. Tears slipping down her cheeks, she fell into an exhausted sleep.
Several hours later a loud noise startled Mari awake. She jerked into a sitting position, listening carefully. The sound came again, and she recognized it as the neighbor’s son’s old car. Why am I here, lying on the floor, Mari wondered. Then it all came flooding back. Finding out about her pregnancy, sharing the news with Joe, his leaving the house in anger believing she had had an affair. Inside the house was silence; her room dark except where a streak of light from the streetlamp outside cut through the shadows. She could make out Joe’s jacket on the chair and his computer case by the door. Obviously Joe had not come back. When he was in the house there was a different feel to the house, one of comfort and security. At this moment it just felt cold and dark. She had no idea when, or if, he would return. In her heart she prayed that he would, but her head told her there was a chance he might not since he believed she had betrayed him. That thought brought about a wave of nausea that sent her scrambling into the bathroom.
Exhausted from the violence of the vomiting, Mari dragged herself back into the master bedroom. This room had always been her sanctuary, a place where she could come home and wait for Joe after a long hard day in the lab. She would sit in the chair by the window with a cup of coffee or a diet cola as Joe changed clothes then the two would talk together for a while before going down to fix dinner. She had purposefully decorated in shades of blue for a calming affect. The four posts of the king size wrought iron bed were whimsically draped in blue silk sheers giving the appearance of privacy. The windows were framed with blue and white sheers under darker blue curtains and the comfortable, overstuffed chairs were covered in a blue and white brocade print. The room she had decorated with so much warmth now seemed as cold and empty as Mari felt.
Mari glanced over to the clock and noted with dismay that it was well past eleven. She had no idea where Joe was. Walking over to the nightstand, Mari clicked on the bedside lamp, narrowing her eyes against the glare. She picked up the phone and dialed Joe’s cell phone number. When it kicked immediately into voice mail, Mari hung up, not leaving a message since she had no idea what to say even if he had answered. She sank dispiritedly down on the soft down comforter that covered the bed. Her body ached, her head ached, and her heart ached. She had no idea what to do and was so tired she could barely think straight. Giving into the needs of her body Mari curled up on the bed and drifted off to sleep.
Joe quietly let himself into the house and strained his ears, listening for sounds of activity. Not hearing anything, he carefully climbed the stairs, avoiding the creaking seventh step. The door to their room was open, soft light spilling out into the hall. When he looked in he saw Mari lying on top of the bed sound asleep. She was fully clothed, and even from this distance he could see evidence of tears staining her cheeks. Joe felt his love for her vying with the betrayal caused by the announcement of this pregnancy. He wanted to wake her, to shout his anger and hurt, but there was a part of him that wanted to believe she was telling the truth.
The thick carpet muted his steps as he moved to the walk-in closet. He quietly pulled a few things out and stuffed them into the duffel bag lying at his feet. As much as he wanted to believe, his head told him it just was not possible. He had been told that without a doubt he was sterile and would never father a child. And if this child was not his, there was no way he could stay with her and raise it as his own, no matter how much he loved her. Grabbing up his suit coat and computer bag, he cast one last look of longing at the woman sleeping on the bed then turned and fled the room.
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