Until the summer he turned ten, Joe would have described his life as fairly uneventful. Being the only child of a couple who had waited until their mid thirties to have children, he had merrily gone his way, oblivious to any undercurrents of tension in their home. Joyce Conley had given up a promising career as a lawyer at his father’s insistence in order to stay home with their son. Dennis Conley, employed in the construction business, worked hard to provide for his family and came home at the end of the day too tired to spend much time with his only child. They were not exactly a boisterously happy or demonstrative family, but seemed to get along all right. As the years passed, tension grew. The majority of the arguments seemed to revolve around other children, but Joe had no idea what it all meant, nor did he really want to.
The summer he celebrated his tenth birthday Joe’s world fell apart. It seemed like such a small thing. Beginning in the early summer a man came over to the house three or four times a week to do odd jobs around the house. Joe’s mom said it was to make his dad’s life easier and shooed Joe off to go play outdoors with his friends whenever the man showed up, which was okay with him. He occasionally saw the man enter the house, but figured he was probably working on some project in the house or getting a drink.
Joe’s birthday was in mid July and his mom threw a big party for him. Boys from the neighborhood and some from his class at school came to celebrate with him. They ran through the house and yard, playing games his mother set up. There was even a piñata with tons of candy inside. They had cake and ice cream, and there were so many presents, Joe thought he was in heaven. His mom leaned over his shoulder when he finished opening them, and whispered in his ear that she had a very special present to share with him later. Shortly after the guests left, Joe began tearing through his gifts in the family room. When he heard raised voices in the kitchen he crawled over to the door and peered around the corner. His parents were arguing again. He was just about to duck back into the family room when he heard his mom announce she was going to have a baby. For reasons unknown to Joe, his father began screaming, calling his mom all kinds of names. He stormed out of the house, the slam of the door rattling the china in the cupboards.
“Where’d Dad go?” Joe questioned as he stepped cautiously into the kitchen.
“He’ll be back, Joey, don’t worry,” Joyce assured him, although the words were said with a nervous assurance. “Go back and play with your new toys.”
“What present are you going to give me, Mom? You said before you would share it with me later.”
Joyce grimaced as she bent down to her son. “You’re going to have a brother or sister, Joey,” she said.
“Why?”
“Mommy is pregnant and going to have a baby.”
“Is that why dad is so mad? Didn’t he want another baby?”
“We’ll talk about it later, Joe,” Joyce commanded. She ushered him back into the family room then disappeared into her bedroom. Joe could hear her mumbling voice talking on the telephone but he did not know who she was talking to.
Dennis Conley did not come back and a few days later Joe’s mother became sick and was taken to the hospital. When she returned home she was pale and drawn, and told Joe that his baby brother or sister had gone to heaven. When Joe mentioned a few days later that the grass was really long and was that man going to come over and cut it, his mother burst into tears. “No, he isn’t and neither is your father!” she cried and rushed out of the room.
As a boy not yet into puberty, Joe had not understood what had happened between his parents, but knew that somehow his mother’s pregnancy was behind the upheaval in his life. As each day passed and his father did not return, his mother withdrew more into herself. Needing reassurance, Joe had tried to reach out to his mom, but she ignored him and retreated further. By the time he turned fourteen he had stopped trying and had become self-sufficient and very angry at both his parents.
It was several years later when Joe found out his mom had been having an affair with the man who came over to do odd jobs that fateful summer and become pregnant by him. She had thrown away years of marriage and her own son, all because she had wanted another child. His dad refused to forgive her. In the years after Dennis Conley left them, cards and gifts came at birthdays and Christmas, but he never came to see his son and never had any contact with Joe’s mother. Joe’s resentment blossomed during those years toward his father, but even more so towards his mother. In his young mind he saw her desire to have another baby as the cause of his father’s leaving and blamed her for the break-up of their family. Joe let her know in no uncertain terms what he felt about what was happening, but to no avail. Sunk so far into depression, Joe’s anger had no affect on her.
The day he turned eighteen he left home and did not look back. He passed the milestones of his high school and college graduations and his marriage to Marilee without telling either of his parents of the events in his life. Somewhere out there his father was remarried with another family. His mother died of ovarian cancer when Joe was thirty. Not understanding why but unable to stop himself, Joe attended the funeral, standing alone and apart from the few other mourners. Bitterness still held him and even after all this time he could not find forgiveness for her in his heart.
This was a part of his life he had never shared with his wife; his mom’s affair, his dad leaving, even the fact that he had living parents when they married. In fact, he rarely mentioned his life before meeting Mari. His only goal had been to simply put it all behind him and move ahead, and he thought he had done that. Giving his life to Christ the summer before entering college had eased some of the burden he had been carrying but he still felt weighted down with some undefined emotions. Marriage to Marilee, a strong Christian woman, had brought him a measure of happiness but something was still not right. Although he felt he had a strong walk with the Lord, there was still an aching emptiness inside that he could not identify.
When he met Marilee his senior year of college, he fell in love with her, totally. She was two years his junior and they dated for four years. They married the year she finished her master’s degree. He was up front with her about his inability to father children. Joe knew she was disappointed, she was a born nurturer, but when she said yes to his proposal Marilee assured Joe that she had prayed about the situation and was willing to forego the dream of having a family. Mari felt God had brought Joe and her together and if He desired for them to have children, they would, but she laughingly told Joe that she would not hold her breath. God might choose to wait twenty years for a miracle, she laughed, and she did not think she could hold her breath that long.
Joe’s mouth quirked at the memory. Mari had told him that the night he proposed to her. She also promised him she would continue to pray for God’s will to be done in their marriage. For the last ten years they had prayed together as man and wife, and the years had been good. Wonderful, even. Their faith had grown together, their friendship had grown, and their intimate life blew Joe’s mind. Mari delighted him in so many ways. She was funny and passionate, beautiful and strong, and a blessed helpmate for him.
Despite the strength of their marriage, some little part of him had trouble believing life could be this good. At the beginning of their life together, Joe had to fight the urge to constantly check up on what Mari was doing. He was almost ashamed of the way he would drive by her building to see if her car was in the parking lot or pop into the lab unexpectedly to see who she was working with. The need to reassure himself lessened over the years, but once in a while the need to check on what she was doing overcame him.
Could he stay with her, he wondered, watching the woman he called “wife” sleep. Would he be able to accept Mari’s explanation of what had happened and raise the child she carried, always wondering if it was his? He turned and walked to the kitchen to put on a fresh pot of coffee. His hands worked automatically as his mind spun. The more his mind mulled the situation, the more agitated he became. It was like being ten all over again. Something as small as a baby causing so much upheaval only this time Joe was a key player in the drama, not just on the sidelines watching.
Joe was not sure if he was strong enough to endure the resurgence of the all the pain stored up from his childhood. He subconsciously retreated from the problem pushing away the pain. Grabbing his travel mug out of the cupboard, Joe filled it with coffee. He picked up his briefcase and headed out the door. He could not be in the house with Mari while his emotions roiled so close to the surface. His office seemed a safe place to hide for the time being.
No comments:
Post a Comment