Chapter Sixteen
“He’s been gone two weeks,” Mari sighed as she slouched down in her chair. “The two most miserable weeks of my life,” she admitted to Jennifer. Mari had come home from a long, grueling day at work to find her pastor’s wife waiting for her in the driveway. They walked into the house together, Jennifer insisting Mari go get comfortable while Jennifer made a light dinner.
Mari dragged herself upstairs to take a shower. The stream of hot water pulsing down on her body relieved some of the aching muscles in her back and shoulders. Tension eased out of knotted muscles as water flowed down over her head and body. She let the tears fall to mix in with the shower droplets knowing that it was better to let them out here and not in front of Jennifer. The woman was worried enough. Mari did not want to add to it. She got out of the shower and pulled on a pair of comfortable sweats. Making her way downstairs, she was just sitting down when Jennifer brought in a tray of food.
Setting the tray on the end table next to where the younger woman was sitting, Jennifer took a seat on the ottoman facing her. She leaned over and picked up one of Mari’s swollen feet and began gently massaging it, earning a grateful moan from Mari. “Worse than when your parents died?” Jennifer questioned, bringing up another dark period of Mari’s life.
Mari closed her eyes, remembering the pain of losing both her parents to an auto accident. She took a moment before answering. “Yes. I think it is.” She opened her eyes and looked over at her friend, mentor and mother stand-in. “My parents didn’t choose to leave me, Jennifer. Even when I most disappointed them, they never held back their love from me, they never turned their backs on me. And I know that I’ll see them again.”
She paused as Jennifer set one foot down and picked up the other. “With Joe, I’m not so sure. He compares me to his mother, a woman unfaithful to her husband. I never really realized it before, but as I think back over the last ten years, some of his reactions make sense now that I know about his family life.” Jennifer lifted one dark eyebrow in question. “There were a few times early in our marriage when I would be out late and forget to call. He was seriously angry but I thought it was because he was worried about my safety. Now I wonder if he was worried I might be with another man. Then there was the time Greg had that doctoral candidate working with him for a week. Joe drove me to work every day that week. He even had lunch with me a couple of days, even though it threw his schedule off. He had just gotten back from a business trip so I thought it was because he missed me.”
Plopping Mari’s foot on the ottoman, Jennifer looked over at her young friend. The separation was taking a definite toll. There were dark patches beneath her hazel eyes contrasting starkly with the paleness of her heart-shaped face, giving her a fragile, almost ethereal appearance. “Mari, I’ve known you for almost your whole life. I’ve watched you grow from a strong-willed two year old into a beautiful and godly woman. When you introduced us to Joe, I knew he was the man God had for you. Don’t stop believing in that. Don’t stop believing that the Lord will work in Joe’s heart.”
Tears spiked Mari’s lashes. “It’s so hard, Jennifer. When Joe told me he couldn’t have kids it was a blow. I love kids. After being an only child I wanted a houseful of them. But I thought, okay, there’s always adoption. When I first brought it up he told me he wouldn’t consider it. That hurt, but I figured I might be able to change his mind on that one. I prayed almost daily for the right time to bring up the subject but the couple of times I did try to talk to him about it, he got angry so I stopped. But I never stopped praying. Now I feel guilty that the answer to my prayer is destroying the man I love and I don’t know what to do. I want this baby, Jennifer, so much. But I want Joe, too.”
“God is a great God and he uses all things to our good and to His glory. Everything that happens, happens for a reason, Mari, even the pain and trials we go through.” Jennifer reached over and engulfed Mari in a comforting hug. “You are not alone,” she whispered in her hair. “And neither is Joe.” Leaning back, she wiped the tears from Mari’s cheeks with a gentle hand. “Keep praying, Mari. Don’t ever stop. Talk to the Lord and let Him comfort you. And talk to us and let us comfort you. You are never alone,” Jennifer repeated. “Now, eat this. I hear grilled cheese is a great comfort food.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that too,” Mari smiled sadly as she bit into the melting cheese sandwich. “A little cold, though.”
“Well, you know how hard it is to find good help these days,” she teased.
“I’ll fire you tomorrow. I’m just too tired tonight.”
Jennifer picked up the empty dishes and carried them back to the kitchen. Mari followed. “I appreciate all you and Mark have done Jennifer,” she told the older woman.
“We know you do, Mari. I just wish we could have done more.”
“It wasn’t something you could control. Joe has to find his way in this mess, just like me.” She rubbed her tummy and stared down as her hand moved on her growing bump. “I always dreamed of having a family, you know. But I loved Joe so much I thought I was willing to let that go. But I never really did,” the candid confession moved reluctantly past her lips. “I didn’t talk about it with Joe, but I prayed God would give us a child. I guess I got what I prayed for.” Her voice was filled with self reproach.
“Don’t blame yourself, Mari. A desire to have children is natural.”
“But shouldn’t Joe have been enough? I mean, God gave me this wonderful man who loved me. I should have been content with that.”
“Did you deliberately try to get pregnant, Mari?” Jennifer asked.
“I never expected to get pregnant, ever,” Mari answered. “So I never really thought about trying.”
“Did you and Joe ever use protection?”
A faint blush appeared on her cheeks. “Jennifer, I just told you I never expected to get pregnant. Joe was sterile. Why would we use protection?” Mari sounded just a little exasperated at the questions and Jennifer bit back a smile.
“So you didn’t abstain from having sex.”
Now a scarlet flush stained Mari’s cheeks. “Jennifer, is this really necessary?” the words came out in choked embarrassment.
Jennifer grinned at the Mari’s discomfort. “Just work with me here. Did you abstain from having sex?”
“No.”
“And you did not use protection, correct?”
Mari dropped her head in her hands, groaning with embarrassment. “No, we didn’t use protection.”
Jennifer continued her questioning. “Then a reasonable conclusion for a couple who did not abstain from sex and did not use protection would be pregnancy, wouldn’t it?”
“For a couple who could have children, yes.”
“But all things are possible with God, Mari. You know that, right?”
“I know that,” Mari confirmed.
“And Joe knows that.”
“That I’m not so sure about.”
“Don’t sell him short, Mari,” Jennifer insisted. “He does know that. He’s just having trouble seeing it right now. His problems with the past may have caused him to put up barriers at the moment, but in his heart he knows that all things are possible with God. Joe just needs to decide if he wants to trust God or continue to live in the past.” Jennifer reached over and gave her a hug. “It’s hard, I know, to just sit and wait, but sometimes that’s what God expects us to do.”
Mari groaned. “Patience has never been one of my stronger attributes.”
Jennifer grinned again. “No need to tell me that. I’ve known you since you were two,” she reminded her. Jennifer patted her on the head as she had when Mari was little, drawing a laugh from the younger woman. “Now go to bed. Marla sent me over to check on you, and now that I have, I’ll head home and phone in my report.”
“She could have just called me herself,” Mari protested mildly.
“Like that would accomplish anything. You would tell her you were fine. That work was not a problem. We all know you work to keep your mind off things. But you’re working too hard and you need to rest. Go to bed,” Jennifer commanded as she wrapped herself in her coat. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
After Jennifer drove away, Mari returned to the family room and sat down. Yes, she had been working hard these last two weeks, maybe harder than usual, but it was the only way to block the pain of her separation from Joe. Mari slid down in the chair until her belly was almost at eye level. Staring at it, she silently admitted she was going to have to change her way of dealing with what was happening or face some serious consequences. She was not sleeping well. Her appetite was off. Her body was aching. At her doctor’s visit last week her blood pressure had been elevated, almost dangerously so. Marla had suggested that because of her age and the extra stress this pregnancy was placing on her, it might be wise to consult a high risk pregnancy specialist and had recommended a friend of hers. An appointment was scheduled for early next week. She warned Mari that if she did not ease up it was entirely possible Dr. Morris might put her on forced bed rest for the remainder of the pregnancy. That would give me way too much time to think, Mari told herself, and I definitely don’t want that.
She pushed herself up and walked over to the window. The backyard was bathed in the light of a full moon. Flattening her hands against the glass pane, she leaned into the window and whispered, “Are you there, Joe? Can you hear me telling you I love you?”
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