Thanksgiving had been a disaster. Joe slouched in his chair at the dining room table and picked at a turkey leg that was dry and tasteless. Determined to have a normal Thanksgiving dinner, Joe had purchased everything he thought a normal Thanksgiving feast consisted of and set about making dinner. Unfortunately, his cooking skills had always been suspect, enough so that Mari had rarely allowed him alone in the kitchen except for making coffee and occasionally breakfast. Not wanting to give himself food poisoning, he had over cooked the turkey, but had undercooked the potatoes. Then to top things off he burned the biscuits. Mari always made cooking seem easy and was happy to make their meals. All Joe had to do was help carry the stuff to the table and eat.
Grimacing at the unappetizing food on his fork, Joe threw it back on his plate. He had been invited to several homes for Thanksgiving dinner but had declined. Most of the invitations had been pity invitations because his co-workers felt sorry for him, being away from his family at the holidays. The other invitations had been from single women, who made it clear they would do more than cook for him and did not seem to mind the fact that Joe wore a wedding ring on his left hand.
Instead of accepting any invitation, Joe chose to stay at his apartment and wallow in self-pity. This is all Mari’s fault, he told himself as he pushed away from the table. He stalked over to the French doors leading to the balcony and went out. She’s ruined everything. This is your own fault and you know it, a voice whispered in his head. He tried to block it out as he did on most nights, but tonight it would not be silenced. His inner voice was right. I’m as much to blame as she is, Joe thought. I could have told her to get a DNA test and found out for sure who the baby belonged to. But Joe had not wanted confirmation. He wanted to be angry with Mari. He wanted to believe that Mari was like his mother.
Joe had no idea why he would choose to believe something so vile about the woman he loved. He lifted his head and stared into the night sky. Was he really as bitter as his Dad? Feeling lonely, Joe had called his dad a few weeks ago and told him what had happened. Of course, Dennis Conley had not even known Joe was married, but that did not stop him from asserting that since most women were scheming liars anyway, Joe had no doubt married someone just like his mother. Dennis was into his third marriage now, but even after so many years, he still harbored a lot of bitterness against his former wife and had not been afraid to share her shortcomings with his son. Joe had cut him off in the middle of his ranting and told his dad that he had to go.
Picking up the soda he had taken out with him, Joe took a long drink. It had been years since Joe had spoken with his dad. A call here and there while he was growing up, then just after his eighteenth birthday, Joe’s dad had come to see him only to tell him that he was remarrying. During that all too brief meeting, Dennis Conley had spent the majority of the time slamming his first wife. The rest of the time he spent telling Joe how hard things had been since he left. Joe had been angry enough at his mother not to stop the diatribe. But he was also angry with his father for leaving him, so had not added much to the conversation. After an awkward twenty minutes, Dennis left. Since then Joe had not spoken more than a few words with his father.
Until tonight, Joe had never picked up on the fact that his father was using his ex-wife as the reason behind his difficult life. The problems in his life he related back to his wife and her deception. It was her fault he could not relate to his second ex-wife or the child he had with her. His voice was filled with bitterness and anger and Joe had been relieved to hang up with him.
Is that what happens when forgiveness isn’t given? Joe wondered. Does one become angry and bitter and shift the blame to others? Did he really want to go through life as a bitter man, or did he want to move on and create a new life for himself? And what exactly did moving on consist of? Did he forgive his wife and go back to raise a child that may or may not be his, or did he divorce her and find someone else to share his life with? As a Christian he knew his responsibility to his wife. When, or if a voice prompted, she broke those vows did that responsibility stop? Infidelity was a Biblical reason for divorce, but reconciliation was always the first choice. Did Joe want to reconcile with Mari? Could he reconcile with her knowing the reminder of infidelity would always be in front of him?
When no definitive answer to the questions plaguing him came, Joe retreated to bed in the hopes that sleep would give him the release he desired.
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