Chapter Six

     Monday was an adventure in avoidance.  Work took up most of the day, although his boss, thinking to be sympathetic to the amount of time Joe had already spent away from home, insisted he leave at five no matter how much work was left to do.  Joe’s plans to hide out until after his boss left were thwarted when his boss insisted on walking out to the parking garage with him.  Unwilling to publicize his marital problems, Joe capitulated but instead of going home, he drove a short distance to a riverfront park and sat in his car for an hour before going to a hole-in-the-wall diner on the university campus to eat.  The meeting scheduled with Pastor Mark tomorrow had his nerves on edge, making the food settle like a rock in his stomach.  It was all he could do to keep what he had eaten down, and he laid his napkin on his half full plate.  Pulling out his wallet, he left enough cash for his dinner and a good tip before pushing away from the table. 

     He could not put off going home forever although he knew seeing Mari would only make him more agitated than he already was.  This past week at home had been torturous.  Just being around her and not touching her was having a decided affect on him.  His heart would pound, his mouth became dry and his fingers itched to touch her.  So to avoid seeing her he snuck around his own home as if he were an intruder, peeking around corners, dodging into the bathroom when he heard her coming up the stairs.  He would have just gone to a hotel but he could not make himself do it.  As perverse as it was, he needed to be near her, needed to feel at least her presence if not her person. 

     he finally arrived home it was almost ten thirty and the house was dark except for a light in the living room.  Obviously, Mari had given up on his coming home and gone to bed, which suited Joe just fine.  He readied for bed, but sleep eluded him.  Anxiety over his coming meeting with Pastor Nolan along with vivid images of his wife in the arms of another man had his mind working overtime.  When he did manage to doze off, nightmares plagued him.  He was standing at his mother’s grave, but it was not his mother in the coffin, it was Mari.  Her face was deathly white; her body large with child.  She laid there, arms crossed protectively over her abdomen.  His father came up next to him, looking old and worn, face creased with lines of bitterness.  “She got what she deserved,” he spat out the words, then backed away.  Joe turned to ask him what he meant but his father was gone.  When he turned back to the coffin, Mari was still there but now her arms held an infant, a boy child who looked exactly like Joe.  The boy opened his eyes, staring up at Joe.  “Daddy!” he cried, tiny arms reaching up as if to say, “Save me.”

     Joe shot up in bed, sweat pouring off him.  “Oh God!” he cried out in agony, voice raspy as if he had been screaming so long it had given out.  He covered his face with trembling hands, trying to catch his breath.  Heart pounding, he threw off the covers, rising to his feet.  Instinct made him reach for the door.  When he opened it, he caught a glimpse of Mari at the top of the stairs, heading down.  Still alive, he thought, closing the door quietly.  She was alive.  He retreated back into the room and sank down onto the bed, reaction setting in.  His body trembled, and he took several long, deep breaths to calm himself.  It was just a dream, he reminded himself, just a dream. 

     As the minutes passed and his mind and body calmed the realization that this situation was real hit him.  He was sleeping in the guest room, alone, Mari was still pregnant with another man’s baby, and in a couple of hours he was scheduled to meet with his Pastor to tell him that he believed his wife had had an affair.  Joe abruptly stood, the lingering affects of the dream giving way to burning anger.  “How could she,” he growled, beginning to pace.  He traversed the room several times before he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.  The image reflected there shocked him.  His face was pale and drawn, his body stiff.  Anger seemed to radiate off him in waves.  He took a deep breath, forcing himself to relax tense muscles.  He had to get a hold of himself.  If he did not, he was likely to act without thinking, which would only cause further emotional, and possibly physical, damage.

     The slamming of a door and the sounds of the garage door opening alerted him that Mari was out of the house and on her way to work.  He peeked out the window watching as her Escape pulled out of the drive.  He let the curtain fall back into place as he turned from the window.  The emotions he was experiencing were all too familiar to him, and that frightened the living daylights out of him.  They transported him right back to the upheaval of his childhood.  Picking up a towel off the floor, he flung open the door and walked down to the bathroom.  Maybe a cold shower would wake him from this nightmare.  Then again it just might make him cold, he thought as he stepped under the spray.

     His meeting with Mark Nolan was scheduled for ten o’clock.  Joe drove his Taurus into the parking lot of the church shortly before that and pulled into a visitor’s spot.  He sat there for several minutes, hands clenched tightly on the steering wheel.  Despite the air conditioning going full blast, nervous sweat was beginning to soak through his polo shirt.  The pounding of his heart kept time with the throbbing in his head.  He would give just about anything to avoid the coming meeting.  In fact, a firing squad would be more pleasurable.  Difficult conversations had never been his strong suit, and this one was going to be extremely difficult.  He felt awkward speaking with the man who had been his wife’s pastor since she was a little girl.  How would Pastor Mark take the news that Joe believed Mari had had an affair and was pregnant because of it?  Could he be objective in this case?  Joe shook his head, finally leaving his car and making his way into the church office.  He greeted Janice Fairfield, the church secretary, who directed him back to Mark’s office.

     Mark greeted the younger man at the door, waving him into the chair in front of his desk.  “What can I do for you, Joe?” he asked as he took his seat across from Joe.  He watched Joe covertly.  The younger man’s face was haggard and it appeared as if he had not slept in a while.  He seemed to be struggling with his thoughts.  Mark waited patiently for Joe to explain why he had come in for this appointment.

     Joe hesitated.  How to approach this?  “Mari and I are having some issues,” the words sounded so inane to his ears, but hid such a wealth of pain. Fingers curled into palms, emotions caused his fists to clench.  Just thinking about what his wife had done with another man made him want to pound something.  He took a deep breath, calming himself.  Pastor Mark was watching him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

     “What might those issues be?” Mark finally prompted when Joe remained silent.

     “I think she had an affair,” Joe blurted out the painful reality.  In desperation he grabbed the arms of the chair.  “She’s pregnant.”

     “And her being pregnant means she had an affair?”

     “What else could it mean?  I can’t have children.”

     Mark gazed at him steadily.  “You can’t have children,” he repeated.  “I know we touched briefly on this subject during the premarital counseling sessions, but that obviously was a while ago. Why don’t you elaborate on that statement?”

     And that was the crux of this particular issue.  He did not want to elaborate on it.  They only touched briefly on the matter during premarital counseling because Joe refused to do more than that.  It was a subject Joe was reluctant to speak about, not comfortable pouring out such intimate details of his life.  Even now, so many years later, it made his heart ache with loss and, yes, anger.  Loss, because he knew he would never have children and anger at God for allowing it happen to him. 

     Face flushed with embarrassment, Joe finally related the story about having the mumps when he was in high school.  He kept his voice cool and detached with a great deal of effort as he related the doctor’s words, telling him in no uncertain terms that he would not be able to father children.  When he was finished he slumped in his chair, mentally exhausted.

     “I see.”  Mark steepled his fingers in front of his chin.  “That does rather put a different spin on things,” the pastor commented.  “Were you and Mari having marital problems before this?”

     “No, at least not that I was aware of.”

     “What makes you think that after ten years she would have an affair so she could have a child?  If she wanted a child that badly wouldn’t she have wanted to do that when she was younger?”

     Joe was not really sure how to answer that, but it did not matter as Pastor Mark continued.

     “I’m not making light of your assumption, Joe,” he assured the younger man.  “But it just doesn’t make any sense.  Mari’s what, thirty-four?”  Joe nodded.  “I’ve known her for a long time and I know how much she loves children.  She struggled a lot with that particular issue when you two were dating. Being an only child, Mari always wanted a lot of kids.  But she appeared to put that desire behind her when she married you.  And she seemed okay with it.  Could something have changed in the past months that may have triggered something in her?”

     Joe could not tell where Pastor Mark was going with his logic.  It almost sounded like he believed Mari would have an affair.  “I was in Texas the last four months for work.  Because of the nature and amount of the work I wasn’t able to come home much.  I guess it’s possible she could have gotten lonely.”  He inwardly cringed at the lameness of his reasoning.  It was not like they had never spent any time apart from each other.  Over the last two years his work had prompted frequent trips out of town.  Not quite as lengthy as this last assignment, admittedly, but a couple of long stretches here and there.  Joe looked up to see Pastor Mark watching him carefully.

     “How far along is she?” Mark asked.

     Joe looked at him, his jaw clenching.  “I have no idea.”

     “Mari has been sick for quite awhile.  Do you remember when that flu started?”

     “I think it started a few weeks after I left.  When I came home over Memorial Day she wasn’t feeling great but it became worse shortly after.”

     “So, if we conclude that this flu was actually morning sickness, she’d probably have gotten pregnant sometime in April.  That was right about the time she and Greg started marathon sessions in the lab.  I know that because Mari and Greg were so overworked they were letting Jennifer analyze some of the data.  Despite all the hours she was spending in the lab Mari was in church almost every Sunday and Wednesday night although she missed a couple because she was sick or working.  Jennifer and I had her over for dinner a couple of times when she felt up to it.  Kayla Bradshaw took over dinner once or twice when she heard from some of the kids in the youth group that Mari had a bad case of the flu. 

     “Of course this doesn’t account for all her time, but if the morning sickness started around Memorial Day she would have had to have gotten pregnant almost as soon as you left for Texas which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Unless she had a one night stand she would have already been involved with someone before you left, and that doesn’t seem likely.  You said yourself you and Mari weren’t having any marital problems.”

     Joe flushed remembering the months before he left for Texas.  Definitely no marital problems then.  His offices were downtown, not too far away from the Research Center, so he and Mari often had lunch together, occasionally with Greg and Marla.  When not at work, they had spent most of their time together, filling the days with church, friends, and work, and the nights with passion.  The trip to Texas had been an annoyance as far as Joe was concerned, an interruption of a blessed time of renewed romance with Mari.  She had pouted for almost a week when he told her he had to go, before apologizing about her behavior, admitting that she was going to miss their time together terribly.  He had promised he would try to get home most weekends and had made it the first two, but then Mari called and told him that the deadline for Greg’s grant renewal had been pushed up, making it much earlier than expected.  Based on previous experience, he knew how busy Mari would be, that she would have to work late most evenings and would be exhausted when she did get home.  When she called to tell him about the flu, he could hear the irritation in her husky voice, and he had smiled.  She hated being sick at the best of times, and this was definitely not the best of times for her to be ill.

    “I don’t believe in miracles, Pastor.”  Joe’s words were flat, face devoid of expression.

     Seeing the set look on Joe’s face, Mark could certainly see that.  “Yeah, I guess you don’t.  But even if we don’t believe in something, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist or can’t happen.”  Mark watched as the anger built inside Joe and held up his hand to forestall an outburst.  “I’m not trying to belittle your feelings Joe.  I couldn’t tell you how I would react in your situation.  Probably not well, even if I am a pastor.  But to deny God granted the two of you a miracle?  I don’t think I could do that either.”

     “I need help, Pastor Mark,” the words came out in desperation.

     “I know, Joe.  I know.  But to give you the help you need, I’m going to have to know more about why you don’t believe in miracles.  I need to know why all this anger has suddenly come to the surface after ten years of what appeared to be a blissful marriage to a girl I’ve known since she was a toddler.  Did she truly give herself to another man or are you just blinded by your own fear and anger?”

     Joe slumped in the chair.  He had known this meeting would be difficult, he just had not realized how difficult.  He had kept his past carefully hidden from everyone except a very select few.  Even Mari, who he considered his closest confidant, had no idea what his childhood had been like.  During their pre-marital counseling Joe had glossed over his family and his past and focused on his life after coming to know Christ.  Now Pastor Mark expected him to lay those hidden torments out in the open for anyone to see.  Joe would have to come face to face with his past and he just did not know if he was capable.  Averting his eyes from the watchful gaze of his pastor, he remained silent.

     Sighing inwardly, Pastor Nolan waited.  Although he knew he was not supposed to have favorites, Mark had a soft spot for Joe and Mari.  He had known Mari since she was two, and had watched her grow from a rambunctious child to a bubbly adolescent and finally into a beautiful Christian woman with a true heart for the Lord.  Even the sudden death of both parents at the age of eighteen had not broken her spirit.  When she had first introduced Mark and his wife, Jennifer, to Joseph Conley, a “friend” from college, he had known that the two of them would marry.  He had been honored to be the officiating pastor at their wedding and had watched their marriage grow and strengthen over the last ten years.  Could Mari truly have strayed?  He did not want think so, but he knew no one was beyond the reach of temptation and he knew from personal experience the desire for a child was strong. 

     “I’d like to meet with both of you, Joe, if that’s possible,” he finally said when Joe remained mute.  “In situations like these it’s best to hear both sides of the story.”

     “I’m not sure I can do that, Pastor.”  Joe rose from his chair.  He walked over to the window and looked out at the parking lot beyond.  “It makes me absolutely crazy to think about it and seeing her, being anywhere around her, almost kills me.”

     “I can see how it would.  But do you want to leave this unresolved?  Your avoiding the situation is not going to make it go away.  It would be better to deal with it as soon as possible. A problem like this is a lot like an open wound.  If you ignore it, it festers and sometimes it becomes impossible to heal.”

     “Would it be possible to meet with you alone a few more times before we ask Mari to join us?  I think I have a few things to work on that I would rather not share with her just yet.”

     Mark pushed himself up from his chair behind the desk and walked over to the window to stand next to Joe.  He felt for this young man, for the agony he was obviously going through.  “All right, Joe.  We’ll start with that.  Before you go, I’d like to give you some homework.  When was the last time you read first Corinthians?”

     Joe shook his head.  “I’m not really sure.  Not for awhile.”

     “Read chapter thirteen.  In fact, try to memorize it.”

     Joe shifted uncomfortably.  He knew the chapter.  The love chapter.  Those verses had been read at his marriage to Marilee.  He remembered saying them to Mari the night he proposed to her.  Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  It keeps no record of wrongs.  Had he meant what he said that evening so many years ago?  Could he in his humanness live out these verses when his flesh wanted to punish the woman he believed had betrayed him?

     He lifted troubled eyes up to Mark.  “I know the verses, Pastor.  I’m just not sure I believe in them anymore.”

     Mark rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder.  “Just memorize them for now, Joe.  Pay particular attention to verses four through eight. We’ll start working on the rest next time.”  He squeezed Joe’s shoulder slightly.  “My prayers will be with you through this Joe.  I don’t know if that makes you feel better or not.  But I will be praying for you.”

     Joe stood.  “I appreciate it, Pastor.”

     “Set up an appointment for next week with Janice, Joe.”  Mark said as he walked with Joe out of the office.  “And if you ever need me, I’m free any time.”

     “Thanks.”  He turned and shook Mark’s hand, stopped to speak with Janice, then walked out of the church.

     Mark watched him, a troubled expression on his face.  This was bad, very bad.  Joe’s anger was simmering just below the surface, barely controlled.  And he could only imagine what Mari was feeling.  Pregnant, he sighed heavily.  Joe and Mari would make wonderful parents, but the cost was going to be high, Mark thought.  Maybe too high.  Shaking his head, he strode back to his office.