Joe stared at his wife from his position outside their bedroom door, his heart pounding at the sight of her near naked body. He had come home from work early, at the insistence of his boss who could tell there was something bothering him, but had no idea what. Joe normally had a fairly easy-going personality, but since he had found out about Mari’s pregnancy he had been snapping at everyone, including his boss. Lucky for him, Tom McDaniel was an understanding fellow. Rather than raking him over the coals as his behavior warranted, Tom told Joe to take the rest of the afternoon off, work out whatever was bothering him, and come back when he had it under control.
“Take as much time as you need, Joe,” Tom told him as he escorted Joe to his office door. “You’ve done so much for the company lately it’s only fair for us to let you take some time off.” Joe did not have the heart to tell him he would prefer to stay at work permanently, so he thanked him politely and went home.
When he pulled into the drive, he rested his forehead against the steering wheel and let out a deep sigh. Mari’s car was in the garage, which meant she was home and at this point he was not sure a confrontation with her was in anyone’s best interest. If he was short-tempered with his co-workers who had done nothing other than work in the same office as he, how was he going to handle the woman whose pregnancy was the reason behind his raging emotions? Pushing open the car door he dragged himself out of his car and into the house where he went upstairs to change. He happened to glance through the open door of the master bedroom as he was passing and spotted his wife in front of the mirror. He could see Mari’s hands resting on her rounded stomach and he ached inside.
A myriad of emotions warred within him. This was his bride, his one and only love, and his heart cried out to believe that his beautiful wife was carrying their miracle baby. But his head insisted there was no way the baby could be his. He was so conflicted and so edgy that he wanted to keep as much distance as possible between the two of them. When he looked up he caught Mari’s eyes staring back at him through the mirror. She seemed surprised to see him.
“My boss sent me home early,” Joe said gruffly, trying, but unable to turn away from the sight of her.
“Mine, too.” She looked at him with longing, then averted her eyes so he could not see how much she wanted him. Mari desired nothing more than to pull him to her and feel the strength and comfort of his arms around her. She missed his touch so much. But the first move would have to be Joe’s.
Joe finally turned away but then stepped back. “Would you like to go to dinner tonight?” he blurted out surprising himself and his wife, if her face was any indication.
Mari stared at him in stunned silence. Had he just asked her to dinner? “I’d like that,” she answered hesitantly.
“Are you hungry now, or would you rather wait awhile?”
“I was just going to take a shower. Can we go after that?”
“Sure. I’ll meet you in the living room,” he told her, then walked away.
Mari stood rooted to the spot for a full minute. They were going to dinner, the thought struck her. After what seemed like an eternity they were actually going to spend a whole evening together. She shook herself then rushed into the bathroom, rushing through her shower, praying he would not change his mind before she finished. She hurriedly toweled off, her heart racing at the thought of spending an evening with her husband. Dressing carefully, she chose a melon colored sundress with an empire waist that hid the bulge of her tummy. Joe may have asked her to dinner, but she was pretty sure this whole pregnancy thing was still a very touchy subject. She did not want to draw attention to the fact she was carrying a baby, in case they met someone they knew. She thrust her feet into matching sandals and hurried downstairs.
As promised, Joe was waiting for her in the living room. Mari looked into the room and found him sitting in the chair by the window staring unseeingly at the scene before him. He turned his head when he heard her, focusing on her with an intensity she found somewhat disconcerting. Finally breaking eye contact, he rose. He eyed her dress with a raised brow. It was one of his favorites, the light color showing off her golden brown skin. He wanted to tell her how beautiful she looked, but clamped his mouth shut against the urge. Instead, he silently ushered her out of the house and into his car. He held the door for her although he was careful not to touch her, knowing the feel of her skin under his hand was likely to cause him to pull her into his arms and not let go. Before he could act on that thought he walked over to the driver’s side and climbed in.
The drive to the restaurant was quiet. Joe was lost in his thoughts and since Mari was not sure what to say, she said nothing, not wanting to disturb the delicate truce that seemed to have been called.
By the time Joe pulled up in front of their favorite restaurant Mari was almost queasy with nerves. What were they going to talk about, she wondered. Would they talk about the baby? Could they talk about the baby without it turning into a scene? The questions plagued her as they waited several minutes for a table. Mari felt some of her anxiety drain as they were led to a table in a relatively quiet corner of the restaurant. It was set in a private little area that would be conducive to a quiet conversation or if they chose to be silent it would not be too noticeable to the other patrons that they were not speaking to each other. The perky waitress came over to take their order and in her wake silence reigned.
After several minutes Joe broke the silence. “How have you been feeling?” he asked.
“Uh, fine, I guess,” Mari answered uncertainly, not really sure what he wanted to hear.
“Have you still been sick?”
“Not too much. Just queasy. And tired.”
Joe fiddled with his glass of soda, using his straw to play with the ice. Trying to follow Pastor Nolan’s advice about normal conversation was difficult. He felt so stilted, and that hurt. Conversation had never been a problem before even when they were upset with each other. Mari made sure of that. Then again there had never been such a huge wall to scale before either. And since the wall was of his own making he was not sure what to say to break the silence. The waitress appeared with their food and Joe was saved from having to make a response.
Dinner was eaten quietly. Sounds of clinking glasses and scraping silverware from the surrounding tables seemed all the louder because of the silence at their own table. Mari looked up at Joe several times to find him watching her, although his glance would skitter away when she caught him. Tonight had probably been a mistake, she thought sadly. Joe seemed so uncomfortable and that made Mari hurt for him. Mari had trouble coming up with a safe topic of conversation.
Finally, unable to take the quiet any longer, she asked, “How did your meeting with Pastor Nolan go?” If Joe was not going to come up with suitable conversation she might as well get down to what was really on her mind. They were in a public place, so she felt fairly confident Joe would not make a scene. He might get up and walk out, but she could always call a cab to come pick her up if it came to that.
“I guess it went all right,” he responded noncommittally. He continued to keep his face averted. “He would like to meet with both of us.”
“I kind of thought he would.”
Joe finally looked up at her, blue eyes turbulent. “I thought it would be better for me to meet with him alone for a while longer,” he said. Before Mari could comment, he continued. “I have some things I need to think about, things I would like to talk to him about before you come in, Mari. I just need time to sort things out.”
“I’ll wait as long as you need, Joe,” she said, reaching over to touch his hand. He did not immediately pull away, and a flame of hope began to burn inside her.
When he did pull his hand away, he began eating, again in silence. “Can I get you anything else?” the waitress asked.
“No, we’re good,” Joe answered with a forced smile. A short time later she came with the bill and the two of them got up to go.
Back at the house, Joe unlocked the door and let Mari precede him into the house, then stopped in the foyer. “I’m going for a walk, Mari. I shouldn’t be too long, but don’t wait up. I can tell you’re tired.”
Too true, Mari thought as she watched him walk away. I’m tired of being without you. She trudged upstairs to begin another night alone.
Joe found himself wandering around the grounds of the elementary school set at the back of their subdivision. He and Mari often came here to walk and swing on the swings. They would talk about work or church, about their friends. Sometimes they talked about their future. As he replayed those times, he realized that never once had Mari mentioned the kids in the park, unless Joe brought it up first, and he wondered why. Because you bit her head off the one time she did, he remembered. Very early in their marriage they had been walking hand in hand through the park. Mari had innocently mentioned her dream of watching her own a little boy playing baseball. Joe had jerked her to a stop and told her never to say anything like that again. Mari’s eyes had filled with tears, but she had apologized, saying she had not meant to hurt him by her unthinking remark. He also apologized and had pulled her close and kissed her, but obviously his reaction had stuck with her because she never said anything like it again.
Tonight as he strolled through the playground some older kids were playing basketball, laughing together. There was also a little kid’s soccer game being played and Joe stopped to watch. He felt envious of the men standing around cheering on their children. His heart clenched in his chest when a little girl, pigtails flying, flung herself into her father’s arms, excited over what was obviously her first goal. If he accepted this child Mari carried as his own he could be doing this in a few years, Joe thought. The pull to ignore the circumstances behind Mari’s pregnancy was strong. He could conveniently forget that he was not the child’s biological father and have his dearest dream come true.
But his father’s words from the past forced their way into Joe’s head. It was Joe’s senior year in high school. Instead of the usual card, his father had called him on his eighteenth birthday. That was the day Joe found out his mother had had an affair. The news had devastated him. His relationship with his mother had been tenuous at best since his father’s leaving, but deep in his heart Joe still hoped that they might be able to come to an understanding and have that mother-son relationship back. The news of her infidelity changed everything. That day Joe realized his mother would never be happy being just his mother. Having a husband and son was not enough for her.
It was obvious his father had never forgiven his ex-wife for wanting a child more than she had wanted to be faithful to him. He had gone on and on about how terribly his wife had treated him. When Joe asked if his dad would come home to see his mom, the man had laughed bitterly. “She made her choice. She chose wanting a kid over being my wife. No way was I gonna have some brat not my blood call me dad. How do I know she hadn’t done it before? I’ll rot before I come back there and see her.” Dennis Conley had slammed down the phone, leaving his son reeling from the bitterness that flowed from his father.
That one little question was all it took to send Joe running to his mother, anger flaring. She denied ever having an affair before Joe was born. Her own bitterness briefly overcame her lethargy and she ranted on about her husband’s coldness. He had let his ambition to get ahead at work come between them. If he had spent more time at home with her she never would have gone searching for love somewhere else.
That night Joe left his mother’s home for good. He packed what he could fit of his things in a suitcase and headed to his friend Glen’s house. Glen’s parents did not question his appearance on their doorstep. They just opened their home and their hearts to a very angry Joe. The Prices treated Joe the same way they treated Glen, and Joe responded to their open affection. He never told them what had brought him to their home and the only thing they asked of him was that he follow their rules, one of which was going to church on Sundays. It was through Glen, and the time they spent together, that Joe finally learned of who Christ really was and what he had done for Joe. Joe gave his heart to Christ during camp that summer and never looked back to where he had come from.
Joe turned from the soccer game and began walking home. He had scheduled another meeting with Pastor Nolan tomorrow. Maybe it was time to let the Pastor know about his parents and the upheaval of his childhood. He bypassed the front door and went around the back. The backyard was empty. Joe and Mari often spent the evenings out here talking after a long day at work, but Joe had seen how exhausted Mari was tonight. She must have gone straight up to bed when they returned from dinner.
He sat down at the patio table, stretching long legs out in front of him. Leaning his head back he stared up into the sky hoping to find some peace in the clouds scuttling across the rose-tinted twilight sky. The first dusting of stars was beginning to appear and Joe’s mind turned back to his early childhood. He remembered a time when his mother had sat on a blanket in their backyard, Joe cuddled in her lap. She pointed up to the sky and told him how to make a wish on a star. It was a good memory and made him smile sadly. He had been about five, he thought. So much pain had happened since then. Joe’s eyes filled with tears. He missed those days when life was simple and he had the love of both his parents.
This was the first time he thought about his mother in years and it saddened him. At ten he had blamed her for his dad’s leaving even though he didn’t understand why. The anger had started slow, had been based more on confusion and less directed at his mom. But as the months and years followed and she barely acknowledged his presence the anger began to focus more on her attitude towards him. When Joe found out the real reason why his father left, he felt justified in his continued anger towards his mother, left the house and ceased all contact with her.
Joyce Conley’s death from ovarian cancer ten years later had come as a shock to him. The call came from a lawyer’s office, which needed his signature to complete the funeral arrangements. Joe had not even known she was sick, although considering he did not keep in contact with her it was not all that surprising. He met with the lawyers, who told him it was his mother’s wish to have a small service with no viewing, which suited Joe just fine. He stood away from the few mourners who showed up at the funeral and left immediately after.
Her death hit him harder than he imagined it would. But he hid his feelings from everyone, even his wife whom he considered to be his closest friend. Now there was such a depth of sadness for all that he had missed. The “if onlys” raced through his mind. If only he had tried harder to get through to her when he was younger. If only he had kept in contact. If only he could forgive her. He had learned the basics about forgiveness when he became a Christian. Christ had forgiven Joe his sins when Joe had accepted Him as Savior, but Joe had never granted that same forgiveness to his own mother and now it was too late.
Joe heaved a deep, heart-felt sigh. Life was so complicated right now. Deep seeded feelings of anger and resentment he had kept buried for so long were inching their way towards the surface, fighting to be released. Mari’s pregnancy was acting as a catalyst for all the pent up rage from his childhood and Joe struggled to keep it in check. Not a violent man by nature, the strength of his emotions was new to him and extremely frightening. He was not sure how much longer he could control himself. Hopefully his meeting with Pastor Nolan tomorrow would bring some relief.
Mari lay in bed, staring out at the twilight sky she could see between the parted curtains. It was not quite dark, and she could see the first stars beginning to twinkle. She had not heard Joe come back yet, and she wondered what he was doing. Is he as miserable as I am, she wondered. She missed him dreadfully. Restless, her body tired but her mind unable to settle, Mari turned over. She was just about to get up when she heard the back door open, announcing Joe’s return. A moment later he passed her open door. Mari caught a brief glimpse of his eyes when he looked in and her heart clenched. Even from this distance and in the dim light Mari could see he was upset. He didn’t appear angry, just very sad, and it made her want to reach out and comfort him. But Joe did not stop and the opportunity passed.
“I want to help him, Lord,” she whispered aloud. “I just don’t know how.” When no great flash of insight came, Mari rolled back over and finally fell into a deep sleep.
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