Chapter Eleven
Heart beating in trepidation, Joe stepped into Pastor Mark’s office. Joe had intended to avoid meeting with Mark until he could come up with a plausible excuse for his reluctance to work on his marriage. But obviously, the Lord had something else in mind. Joe had not even set his briefcase down on his desk before the phone was ringing. Expecting a call from the East Coast office today, he had snatched up the receiver, ready to put his mind towards something that would not set his nerves on edge and his stomach rolling. When Pastor Mark’s voice came over the line, Joe’s stomach clenched. When he insisted the two of them meet during lunch, it was all Joe could do to keep the contents of his stomach from pitching right out. Mark would accept none of the flimsy excuses Joe offered, batting them away as he would a fly. Joe finally gave in, albeit rather ungraciously. He felt as if he were being summoned to the principal’s office after getting caught skipping class. Only this was a much bigger deal.
Mark was seated at his desk, Bible in front of him, glasses resting on his nose. He looked up as Joe entered the office. “Good afternoon, Joe,” he said, not rising from his chair but resting his arms on the desk and looking up at Joe. “Take a seat.”
The words themselves may have been an invitation, but the tone in which they were said made them more of an order. Pulling the visitor’s chair slightly away from the desk, Joe sat. Sweat beaded on his palms and he wiped them on the legs of his pants. Yes, definitely a bigger deal than the principal’s office.
“Did you and Mari talk after you got home the other night?” Mark inquired.
After a slight hesitation Joe answered. “Ah, no we didn’t, actually.”
A frown came and went on Mark’s brow. “So, she still doesn’t know about your parents.”
“No, she doesn’t.”
Mark leaned back in his chair and stared directly into Joe’s eyes. “Let me ask you this, Joe. Do you want to save your marriage?”
Joe dropped his eyes from Mark’s probing gaze. “I suppose so.” A snort came from the man behind the desk and Joe’s gaze shot up.
“That was not exactly the answer I was hoping for Joe. To save a marriage you actually have to want to do so.”
Hanging his head, Joe did not answer. He was not sure what to say because he really did not know if he wanted to save his marriage. It would entail opening so many old wounds. It would be necessary to share intimate details of his past with Mari, ones that he had shared with no one other than Glen all those years ago, and now Pastor Mark. Would Mari still accept him if she knew about his history?
Could he fully open himself to more heartbreak? Mari was the light of his life, had been for the past dozen years or so. But he had to decide if working with Mari to save their marriage was worth all the pain it would involve. It would require not only accepting Mari and what she had done, but also accepting the child she carried. Glen told him to have a paternity test done. But Joe had not broached the subject with Mari because he was not sure he could handle the answer. If the test confirmed the child was not his, it would bear out his deepest fears, that Mari had indeed had an affair. Right now, he could sometimes almost convince himself that she was telling the truth, that the child she was carrying was his. But having a paternity test would lay everything out in the open. He would no longer be able to lie to himself.
Mark remained silent, watching the younger man struggle. It broke his heart that he was actually having this conversation with Joe, but something had to be done to shake him up. Mark was afraid Joe’s solution to the problem would be the same as it was when he was a teenager, leave and put it behind him. But Mark also knew Joe was struggling with more than just a marriage issue.
“Joe,” Mark spoke softly. “What is it going to take to get you to actually sit down and tell Mari everything?”
“I just don’t know if I can, Mark. Mari is so lively, so vibrant, so wonderful. What if she decides that having a damaged husband just is not worth the effort?” With his greatest fear out in the open, Joe slumped back in his seat, face pale, waiting to hear Mark’s answer.
So, Joe’s problems went a lot deeper than Mark thought. Did the man’s parents not realize what they had done to their son? Joe’s insecurities were deep seated, so deep that Mark was afraid the younger man would use them as an excuse not to continue his relationship with his wife. “Joe, let’s step back a little bit, okay?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“As important as it is, let’s not worry about Mari, the baby, or your marriage at the moment. Let’s just concentrate on you.”
Uncomfortable with being the center of attention, Joe generally tried to avoid it if at all possible. It apparently was not going to be an option this time. Pastor Mark appeared determined to shake Joe out of his comfort zone. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that, Pastor.”
“Not surprising. Most people aren’t comfortable when the focus is on them. But that doesn’t mean it can be ignored. A big issue I see in you right now is a lack of security. How were things in your house before your mom got pregnant?” When Joe seemed to be struggling with an answer, Mark added, “Think hard, Joe. It’s important to get the big picture here.”
Joe thought back. He didn’t remember much of his young childhood. No traumatic events that he could recall. “It was normal, I guess.”
“Okay. Describe normal.”
“My dad went to work, came home, we ate dinner, watched tv. I went to school, played outside, did the things my friends were doing.”
“What about your mom?”
“She was always home, doing mom stuff.” Joe thought hard, but the details were sketchy. One thing he remembered clearly, that although there had been a time when she had laughed and played with Joe, Joyce Conley was not a particularly emotional woman. As he pressed deeper into his memories he realized that after he went to kindergarten he never really saw her smile. “I thought all moms were like that,” Joe’s voice held a hint of surprise.
“Like what, Joe?”
“Well, she never really laughed or smiled much, now that I think back on it. I remember her doing stuff with me before I started school. But afterwards? She seemed kind of sad. Or maybe a little angry. I’m not sure which.”
“Did your parents talk a lot?”
“Not that I recall. They didn’t fight either, other than that night my dad found out about her pregnancy.”
Mark looked thoughtful. “How did your dad feel about other kids that you brought over?”
“I didn’t really ever have friends come over. Pastor Mark, where is this going?”
“Joe, I think you need to see your past as it really was. Not to use it as an excuse for your present behavior, but as a way to understand why you are the way you are. It sounds as if your parents were actually having problems long before the pregnancy issue came up.
“Marriages are difficult under the best of circumstances. They take nurturing from both parties to be the union God designed them to be. When one or both parties fail then they drift apart. From the sounds of it, your parents were drifting in their relationship. You made a comment once that your dad insinuated that you might not be his son.”
“Yeah, but now that I think about it, there’s no way I can not be his.”
“Why is that?”
“When my grandfather was alive, he told me about the Conley birth mark. All the Conley children have the same birth mark.” Joe unbuttoned the sleeve of his shirt and showed Mark the small birth mark on the underside of his wrist. “My grandfather had it, my dad had it, I have it.”
“But how did you feel at the time your dad made that comment?”
“I was angry, both at my dad and my mom. I was scared. My dad left. My mom ignored me. I was afraid she would send me away.”
“That’s an understandable feeling, especially in a young child. Were you there when your mom told your dad about the baby?”
“I was in the family room playing with my new birthday gifts. I wasn’t paying much attention to what was going on in the next room until the voices got so loud they were hard to ignore. My dad was screaming at my mom, saying all kinds of things. My mom was crying, but I think she was angry too. I remember her saying that it was his fault. I didn’t really get that. I mean, she was the one who got pregnant.”
“It all comes back to a good marriage, Joe. Your parents, as much as you loved them, don’t sound as if they loved each other.”
Joe looked at Pastor Mark, his face a mask of confusion. “So you’re saying that my parents didn’t really love each other and that has affected the way I see myself.”
“Basically. Our past affects our present, Joe, whether we realize it or not.”
“But my dad didn’t have an affair, Pastor Mark. He may not have been the most loving person, but he didn’t stray. So it comes down to the fact my mom wasn’t content and went behind my dad’s back to get what she wanted. That’s why he left.” He shook his head. “I just don’t see how that has anything to do with what is happening now.”
“Isn’t that exactly what you say Mari did?” Mark asked.
“You’re not making a great case for Mari here, Pastor Mark.”
“I’m not making a great case for you either, Joe. I wasn’t there all those years ago, but it sounds like your mom’s problems started when you went to school. She was probably sad at losing you and wanted another child to give her that feeling of being needed again. She may have been frustrated by lack of attention from her husband and went looking for fulfillment outside the marriage bed. Your dad took exception to that fact and he left. The blame lies on both sides.”
Joe’s eyes narrowed at those words.
“I see you see what I mean now, Joe.”
The younger man rose and paced around the office. He finally looked over at Mark. “I was the best husband I knew how to be. If Mari had a problem with me, she didn’t let on.”
Mark sighed in relief. He had gotten a small point across. “That is where you two need to start. Ask her. Does she have a problem with you that she isn’t telling you? Find out. Talk to her.”
Joe’s shoulders slumped. “It hurts so much, Pastor Mark. Her pregnancy is obvious. I can see that child growing in her belly. My eyes are drawn to it. And when I see it, the only thing I can think about is that another man touched my wife in a way that was meant for me alone.” His eyes were haggard.
“You have to talk, Joe. This will not just go away.”
“I know that.”
“Tell her about your parents, Joe.”
“I’m afraid she won’t love me any more.”
“You think she doesn’t love you now,” Mark pointed out, voice gentle.
Joe sat back down. It was true. Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes. His life was in turmoil, not just from Mari, but Mark had highlighted his childhood in a way that left him feeling confused and frightened and just a little angry at his parents. Could his parent’s divorce have been prevented? Had they taken the easy way out? Was Joe looking for the easy way out? Was he doomed to repeat his parents’ mistakes?
Silence weighed heavily in the room. Joe took a deep breath and sat up, opening his eyes. He looked at Mark, seeing the compassion in his expression. “I can’t make any promises, Mark,” Joe said as he stood. “I’ll think about all that was said here, I can promise that. But the situation hasn’t changed. I’m sterile. I know that for a fact, which means I cannot father a child. The child Mari is carrying can’t be mine.”
Mark bit back a sigh. Joe was already setting up road blocks, unwilling to accept the possibility that Mari’s pregnancy may truly be a gift from God. Unwilling to press too far, Mark said, “Just think about what we talked about here, Joe. Try to work through that before you face the other questions.”
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